Morose man mutters “daughter” into dry desert air. Remember, Neil Cassidy abandons Kerouac in Mexico. There’s prisoners & airplane carapaces & botched men’s room pick-ups. Poolside of frat bro’s, the nothingness sets in. This is it. The Neil Hamburger movie.
Take this map to the city of Costco but hang onto your nards! This is that picaresque, dick-and-balls, sci-fi, warning-cry, Eugenics cult classic comedy from 2006 that Terry Crews mines for web content every few years. I liked the army officer very humbly attracted to the pimp lifestyle. I liked the restaurant called Butt-fuckers.
Moose! Mammoths! Matricide! Floppy-lipped dog-bears crooning Phil Collins. A brash-headed, prehistoric eskimo learns to respect the interconnectedness of all things. This is lesser Disney but still the backgrounds are sumptuous. I watched it by lamp light in the den with my father. We snacked on caramel corn, pulled faces, wiggled eyebrows. Inside of us were tornados unmatched by the small screen’s efforts.
I remember reading this thing once where J.G. Ballard said he didn’t get any boners when writing Crash. Like somebody was accusing him of writing a smut book and he was like, “Hey, I did not pop a single bone on it, ok?” Seems like a weird thing to remember, like maybe I made it up in order to feel bad about my own carnal reactions to creative endeavors. Aroused by baking cheesecake, by writing copy. James Spader dry humps wrecked motorists in dwindling twilight on the turnpike’s on-ramp. Everybody hot for James Dean.
God-the-father, a top floor junkie in a derelict building downtown. He awaits true love’s kiss. In his beard are spiders and pizza bits. Every 36 hours the building hops to an alternate dimension.
In one of the dimensions they dropped the bomb. God’s children stowaway and hop with him. They’re incestuous cage fighters who just wanna get home.
In one of the dimensions technology is really really advanced. God’s friends stowaway and hop with him. They’re tommy-gun toting baddies who look like Woody Harrelson.
In one of the dimensions everything’s underwater. Nobody can find God even though he’s just above them. The stairwell is sealed and the elevator busted.
Did you think, like me, that the Zero Day Fox logo was a parallel universe joke? A russian nesting doll? The movie-in-itself hailing from an alternate reality, one where 20th Century Fox doesn’t exist but is Zero Day Fox instead? Yeah, turns out it’s just a subsidiary.
I’m interested in mainstream foreign cinema. What translates? What reveals? Here’s a transformative-power-of-Fatherhood flick. It’s kinda Big Daddy-esque. Acapulco playboy stuffed with sun. Baby on the stoop. He jumps from cliffs, he sneaks into the states. He has a custody battle, he’s haunted by wolves. There’s a Johnny Depp impersonator & some weirdly timed poop jokes. The colors are candy bright. The twist has some chutzpah but ultimately contributes to an overarching feeling of artifice that left me feeling deadened & (I think) the wrong kind of sad when I should have been moved. But y’know, my favorite movie’s The Holy Mountain so my opinions are likely very different from yours.
Yellow saunters around Stockholm conducting man-on-the-street interviews about social issues. Occasionally has sex. Her director is in love with her, so he puts that into the movie too. The cameraman practices yoga with the sound mixer. A Russian poet shows up. MLK, Jr. shows up. This movie was infamous in the 60’s because it has dicks in it.
This is the movie North Korea didn’t want you to see. Eminem plays himself. There’s some gore humor. I feel like Trump supporters might really like it. It’s mean, dumb, disparaging, racist, and nationalistic. I felt bad for the tiger fictionally killed to service the Seth Rogen-sticks-a-thing-up-his-ass gag. I still have a soft spot for James Franco though.
Christian orphans ask Mickey Rooney for a bedtime commercial. Outer space angels of the Ursidae family keep tabs on sad earth kids. A magician is named after pasta. Eventually the bears face off against a dark carnival run by murderous toddler sociopaths. Some of the bears are bears and some of the bears are penguins, lions, raccoons, monkeys and pigs.
On July 13th, 2013 George Zimmerman was acquitted of the heinous slaughter of innocent Trayvon Martin and with the verdict a bit of my own naiveté died. The justice system seemed broken and I awoke to the privilege I’d been dealt all along by the dumb luck of my skin’s low melanin count. Just last week the police acted out of fear and prejudice and shot Philando Castille & Alton Sterling on camera in MN and LA respectively. It’s past time to join peaceful protestors. To recognize that all lives can’t matter until black lives do. To open my heart and soul to blackness. To practice the humanity I preach. Watching movies is not enough, but here’s a black one. Huey Newton & Bobby Seale’s lives are dramatized. A black child dies because a stoplight isn’t installed in the ghetto.
Jasper At The Movies 