Da Sweet Blood of Jesus


Three stars

A street dancer spins to soft beats while cold earth crystalizes the hearts of the vampire lovers.  A tepid, mumblecore Ganga & Hess remake.  It starts strong, remain political, exudes malaise & solemnity, moves glacially.  Jesus saves and kills in equal measure.

Children of the Corn


Two stars

Hark!  The empty city!  The Menonite youth in the fields craving blood.  He who walks amongst the rows.  One of the more mainstream of the kinder karnage lot, notable for Linda Hamilton, some good suspense and production design and not a lot else.  Was novel enough to garner 8 sequels though.

Galaxy Quest


Three stars

Dated Star Trek spoof still getting cult love.  Noteworthy for introducing a lot of comedy folk who went on to renown.  The conceit gets muddled at times, the characters sometimes being actors playing characters and sometimes being the characters themselves.  Alan Rickman and Tony Shalhoub are great.

Halloween II


Two stars

Y’all ready for this?  Halloween dos!  More gore, more titties.  A bigger budge, some pyrotechnics.  Michael Meyers slashin’ tires.  If you were like, “Wait, ain’t Laurie Strode his sister?”  That’s this movie bros!  She’s heavily medicated in the Haddonfield hospital and flash backs to visiting young Michael in the asylum.  He looks at her, he’s dripping blood, he says “I’m pure evil.”  His doctor says, “That’s my professional diagnosis as well.”

Star Trek 13


Two stars

Yeah, I saw it.  Chris Pine beat up Idris Elba.  There were some little alien guys that looked like big alien guys but then they slid down a space ramp and that was the joke, that they were little.  They showed up again after the final battle and were like, “Hey, remember us?  Remember when you were small and your mother held you?  The world was just as complicated then but you didn’t know it yet.  You could pine for those days, wax nostalgic for midnight walks around the cemetery with your best friend.  Or you could call that friend up, maybe do some Kundalini meditation, vote on state measures.  Shit’s alright dude, don’t fret.  All we have is the present bro.  Sincerely, the little aliens.”  When Chris Pine heard that he shed a single tear which floated off into space.  He smiled and put his arms around Spock and smelled his Vulcan breath and whispered, “We got this.”  And then someone cued up a Queen song and everyone was like, “Aw yeah, fuck yeah.”



Three stars

Last night I went down to Midian.  I caught a ride in a mine cart and visited all the monsters.  There was the monster with eyeball hands, & the monster that was just a flabby belly & Cat Woman.  We raved to techno music and got in a shoot-out with the US army.  Somebody invited David Cronenberg but he couldn’t act and all his scenes were super boring and predictably slashery.  I gave a cute monster boy my number but he didn’t call me.  I couldn’t find him on Facebook later either.