2000’s

Team America: World Police

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Four stars

Fuck the Arc de Triomph, the sphinx, the eiffel.  Ditto Mount Rushmore, the Louvre, the Panama Canal.  An America with a shit ton of collateral damage.  Let my strings entwine with yours lover.  Let me taste your cock, your cunt, the contours of your perineum.  I’ll puke all night in the alleys of forgotten Nebraska and be gone by dawn.  Theres a lot of splendid stupid here.  Marionettes messed up by house-cats and dogfish.

D, W & M by: Trey Parker; More W: Matt Stone & Pam Brady; More M: Harry Gregson-Williams & Kubat; P by: Bill Pope, A by: Chiodo Bros.; E by: Thomas M. Vogt; w/Matt Stone, Trey Parker, Kristen Miller, Masasa Moyo, Daran Norris, Phil Hendrie, Maurice LaMarche, Elle Russ, etc..98 min, USA, 2004

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The Perfect Nanny

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Three stars

Delicious trash!  We lounged in twin beds, a hotel room’s fill of homies and flipped between this glorious garbage and Nick Jr.  Outside San Fran was getting started, inside we nurtured hangovers, took turns taking showers, flipped on our backs giggling and screaming and kicking air.  We goofed, we improved, we pillow fought, we cuddled.  I prayed “get it gurl” as Tracy Nelson shot one liners, clubbed exes, stabbed CEO’s.  Awestricken by harlequin romance dream sequences.  Buy the slow burn buildup of TV transgression.  Oh the soapy, campy, filth of it all!  During commercial breaks we were offered make-up and cleaning products.

D: Robert Malenfant; W: Mark Castaldo, Christine Conradt, Richard Gilbert-Hill, & Victor Shiller; P by: Don E. FauntLeRoy, M by: Richard Bowers, E by: Gregg London & Robert Pergament; w/Tracy Nelson, Bruce Boxleitner, Dana Barron, Scott Terra, Susan Blakely, Katherine Helmond, Darren Gray Ward, Cindy Guyer, etc…90 min, USA, 2000

Uzumaki

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Two stars

Dad’s obsessed with spirals.  The camera spirals.  There’re spiral edits and other edits which call attention to themselves.  There’s a murky green filter over everything.  You wait a long time for people to turn into snail monsters.

D & E by: Akihiro Higuchi; W by: Kengo Kaji, Junji Ito, Takao Nitta, & Chika Yasuo; P by: Gen Kobayashi; M by: Tetsuo Kashibuchi & Keiichi Suzuki; w/Eriko Hatsune, Ren Ôsugi, Keiko Takahashi, Taro Suwa, Hinako Saeki, Fhi Fan, Sadao Abe,Masami Horiuchi, etc..90 min, Japan, 2000

My Big Fat Greek Wedding

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Three stars

A winter wind billows down Chicago’s back-alley’s and a man appears.  A teacher of Hamlet, long-haired, handsome; his best friend’s bald.  He courts Greek Cinderella and her large wacky family.  His parents are squares.  That dude from N’sync is in this.  The lyra wails.

D by: Joel Zwick; W by: Nia Vardalos; P by: Jeff Jur; E by: Mia Goldman; M by: Alexander Janko & Chris Wilson, w/Nia Vardalos, Michael Constantine, Lainie Kazan, Andrea Martin, John Corbett, Louis Mandylor, Gerry Mendocino, Joey Fatone, 95 min, USA, 2002

  

Primer

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Four stars

Whiteshirt Redtie shoots some hoops.  Whiteshirt Blacktie orders  the steak.  Whiteshirts Redandblackties cradled in coffins of aluminum, flooded in magnetic fields, await the hour of emergence.  Travel back in time to stop themselves from traveling back in time to stop themselves to stop.  It is quiet in the box where eardrums burst and blood dribbles.  They share a dream of oceans.

 D,W,M & E by: Shane Carruth, P by: Troy Dick, w/Shane Carruth, David Sullivan, Carrie Crawford, Anand Upadhyaya, Samantha Thomson, Jay Butler, John Carruth, Chip Carruth, etc…77 min, USA, 2004

Star Trek

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Three stars

Mother Goose is buried in Boston.  The soil soggy with the blood of the people who give the state it’s name.  Glyptodont bones in Cambridge, duck boats on the Charles.  In 2009 I visited old Sam, we played the apple stem game and went to the backyard bicycle BBQ Boots threw.  I saw Justin & Amanda, now locked in holy matrimony.  I took the train to Salem and a man dropped a ziplock baggy of feces and I wondered if he was a witch.  We saw this movie.  We took these pictures.

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D by: J.J.Abrams, W by: Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman, P by: Dan Mindel, E by: Maryann Brandon & Mary Jo Markey, M by: Michael Giacchino, thnx Gene Rodenberry, w/Leonard Nimoy, Simon Pegg, Zoe Saldana, Zachary Quinto, John Cho, Chris Pine, Karl Urban, Winona Ryder, etc.. 127 min, USA, 2009

Idiocracy

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Two stars

Take this map to the city of Costco but hang onto your nards!  This is that picaresque, dick-and-balls, sci-fi, warning-cry, Eugenics cult classic comedy from 2006 that Terry Crews mines for web content every few years.  I liked the army officer very humbly attracted to the pimp lifestyle.  I liked the restaurant called Butt-fuckers. 

D & W by: Mike Judge, More W: Etan Cohen P by: Tim Suhrstedt, M by: Theodore Shapiro, E by: David Rennie, A by: Corissa Smith, Rob Perkins, Scott Macgruder, etc… w/Luke Wilson, Maya Rudolph, Dax Shepard, Justin Long, Terry Crews, Mike McCafferty, Thomas Haden Church, Scarface, etc…84 min, USA, 2006

Brother Bear

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Two stars

Moose!  Mammoths!  Matricide!  Floppy-lipped dog-bears crooning Phil Collins.  A brash-headed, prehistoric eskimo learns to respect the interconnectedness of all things.  This is lesser Disney but still the backgrounds are sumptuous.  I watched it by lamp light in the den with my father.  We snacked on caramel corn, pulled faces, wiggled eyebrows.  Inside of us were tornados unmatched by the small screen’s efforts.

D by: Aaron Blaise & Robert Walker, W by: Tab Murphy, Lorne Cameron, David Hoselton, Steve Bencich & Ron J. Friedman, A by: David J. Zywicki, John Webber, Yer ‘Za ‘Vue, JC Tran-Quang-Thieu, Kim Torpy, Rusty Stoll, Heidi Shellhorn, etc… E by: Tim Merten, M by: Phil Collins & Mark Mancina w/Joaquin Phoenix, Jeremy Suarez, Michael Clarke Duncan, Greg Proops, Estelle Harris, Jason Raize, Rick Moranis, Dave Thomas, etc…, 85 min, USA, 2003

In Bruges

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One starOne starOne star

Gothic canals, f bombs and child murder.  It’s not so much In Bruges is milk that’s coddled and gone lumpy from neglect as I’m no longer in my twenties.  Should do well for all you Boondock Saints but my fellow depressive neurotics should steer clear.  Belgium looks nice though.

D & W by: Martin McDonagh, P by: Eigil Bryld, E by: Jon Gregory, M by: Carter Burwell, w/Colin Farrell, Brendan Gleeson, Ralph Fiennes, Clémence Poésy, Jordan Prentice, Željko Ivanek, Elizabeth Barrington, Eric Godon, etc… 107 min, Belgium, 2008