The Lobster

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Four stars

Dad bod Farrell by tooth, by claw.  There’s a lot of talk of stabbing stomachs at the Last Chance Hotel.  Verdant bracken, the bay laps the shore.  Feral singles in the turgid wood.  A brutal film, richly imagined.  John C. Reilly would like to be a macaw when the torture’s over.

D & W by: Yorgos Lanthimos; More W: Efthimis Filippou; P by: Thimios Bakatakis; E by: Yorgos Mavropsaridis; w/Colin Farrell, Rachel Weisz, Léa Seydoux, Angeliki Papoulia, Ariane Lebed, Olivia Colman, John C. Reilly, Michael Smiley, etc…119 min, Ireland, 2016

Teenage Turtles 6: Shadowlands

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Three stars

According to Eckhart Tolle our slavish devotion to the mind robs us of the deep divine stillness of being.  Turtle brothers battle a brain.  Taoist, hormonal, subterranean, CGI New Yorkers in the latest filmic entry of an ip with an awesome/grotesque toy-line from my youth.  Megan Fox symbolically strips onscreen out of old April into new.  Will Arnett does a comedy bit with a wall cable.  There’s a pop punk cover of the 80’s cartoon theme.  Tyler Perry is wonderfully unrestrained here, he never turns into a fly though.  Not even post-credits.

D by: Dave Green, W by: Josh Appelbaum & André Nemec, P by: Lula Carvalho, E by: Bob Ducsay & Jim May, M by: Steve Jablonsky, A by: Ryan Bradley, Oz Gani, Wong Joe, Kai-Hu Lan, etc…thnx Peter Laird, Kevin Eastman, Michael Bay; w/Laura Linney, Tyler Perry, Megan Fox, Will Arnett, Stephen Farrelly, Gary Anthony Williams, Brain Tee, Tony Shalhoub, etc..112 min, USA, 2016

The Care Bears Movie

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Two stars

Christian orphans ask Mickey Rooney for a bedtime commercial.  Outer space angels of the Ursidae family keep tabs on sad earth kids.  A magician is named after pasta.  Eventually the bears face off against a dark carnival run by murderous toddler sociopaths.  Some of the bears are bears and some of the bears are penguins, lions, raccoons, monkeys and pigs.

D by: Arna Selznick, W by: Pater Sauder, A by: Anne Marie Bardwell, Charlie Bonifacio, David Brewster, John Collins, etc… E by: Stephen Mitchell, Jim Erickson, Shelia Murray, Gordon Kidd, etc…, w/ Mickey Rooney, Jayne Eastwood, Cree Summer, Sunny Besen Thrasher, Bobby Dermer, Brian George, Janet-Laine Green etc…, 77 min, Canada, 1985

White God

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Two stars

Asshole Dad slicing up steer haunches and dogs take Budapest.  The picture aches.  There’s a lot of cool rampaging mutts footage and a lot of boring music recital stuff.  A dog is a wolf is a man.  I remember renting Frankenweenie (the live action one) in ’87, Tambo was fresh in the ground and my heart was bleeding.  Now here I am, dirty 30, passing rescue Obi off to a more stable home.  Seems I’m always picking inopportune times to watch weird dog movies.

D & W by: Kornél Mundruczó, More W by: Viktória Petrányi & Kata Wéber, P by: Marcell Rév, E by: Dávid Janscó, M by: Asher Goldschmidt w/Zsófia Psotta, Luke, Body, Sándor Zsótér, Lili Horváth, Szabolcs Thuróczy, Lili Monori, Gergely Bánki, etc… 121 min, Hungary, 2014