Suspiria

26c0_35

Three stars

Take Staudingerstraße to Langackerwerg.  Weiter rechts gehen.  Follow the river to the house that witchcraft built.  Meander it’s deco halls, it’s swaths of Technicolor.  Count the footsteps in the night, past the hall of maggots, the Olympic swimming pool, the den of razor wire.  Past the long mirrored rehearsal studios, the maid’s quarters.  Peel back the curtain and breathe in the decay that is death transforming itself to life.  The sleep apnea of the witch.

D, W & M by: Dario Argento; More M: Goblin; More W: Daria Nicolodi; P by: Luciano Tovoli; FX by: Germano Natali & Fabio Traversari; E by: Franco Fraticelli; thnx: Mario Bava & Thomas De Quincey; w/Jessica Harper, Joan Bennett, Alida Valli, Udo Kier, Margherita Horowitz, Susana Javicoli, Flavio Bucci, Stefania Casini, 92 min, Italy, 1977

Team America: World Police

8885_poster_thumb

Four stars

Fuck the Arc de Triomph, the sphinx, the eiffel.  Ditto Mount Rushmore, the Louvre, the Panama Canal.  An America with a shit ton of collateral damage.  Let my strings entwine with yours lover.  Let me taste your cock, your cunt, the contours of your perineum.  I’ll puke all night in the alleys of forgotten Nebraska and be gone by dawn.  Theres a lot of splendid stupid here.  Marionettes messed up by house-cats and dogfish.

D, W & M by: Trey Parker; More W: Matt Stone & Pam Brady; More M: Harry Gregson-Williams & Kubat; P by: Bill Pope, A by: Chiodo Bros.; E by: Thomas M. Vogt; w/Matt Stone, Trey Parker, Kristen Miller, Masasa Moyo, Daran Norris, Phil Hendrie, Maurice LaMarche, Elle Russ, etc..98 min, USA, 2004

Turbo Kid

turbo-kid-dvd-211x300

One star

There’s nothing surprising in Turbo Kid, you’ll know going in whether it’s your bag or not.  It’s ambitions are meager and it executes them with aplomb.  A penchant for gore & commercial 80’s youth nostalgia above all will get you into this robot girlfriend movie.  It is tired and thoughtless and niche but it has heart.  It’s somehow both sweet and mean.  It’s unfunny and boring.  Shares DNA with the inferior Hobo with a Shotgun and the superior (slightly) Beyond the Black Rainbow.  I watched it with people who loved it and you might too, I dunno man.  Pffffttt.

D & W by: François Simard, Anouk Whissell, & Yoann-Karl Whissell, M & P by: Jean-Phillipe Bernier, More M: Jean-Nicolas Leupi Le Matos, E by: Luke Haigh, FX by: Eric Thivierge, Olivier Xavier, Jean-Mathieu ‘Jib’ Bérubé, etc… S by: Marcello Bezina, Alex Stines, Jean-Francois Robitaile, etc..w/Munro Chambers, Laurence Leboeuf, Michael Ironside, Aaron Jeffery, Anouk Whissell, Edwin Wright, Romano Ozari, Orphée Ladouceur etc..93 min, Canada, 2015

Slime City

slime-city-horror-movie-poster-2

Four stars

Men’s-Rights-activist, young-Republican, Travis-Bickle-wannabe, motherfucker moves to skid row.  Drinks ghost sludge.  Continues to be whiny,self-righteous asshole.  Murders the downtrodden.  Tries to cheat on his girlfriend.  Morphs into pulsating goop monster.  Finally gets his in gleeful gory glory.  It’s a mean-spirited, right-wing, reactionary romp through exploitation splatter in the vein of Street Trash but played a little more straight.  Charmingly “flawed”, offensive, & original.  There’s a cheapo Ingmar Bergman pastiche.  There’s a squirting vagina-dentata chest wound.  I had a lot of fun hating the protagonist, hooting at the politics, and waiting for the DIY gore FX.  I recommend it.

D,W & E by: Greg Lamberson; P: Peter Clark, M: Robert Tomaro, More E: Briton J. Petrucelly, w/Craig Sabin, Mary Hunter, Bunny Levine, T. Clay Dickinson, Dick Beil, T.J. Merrick, Marylin Oran, Dennis Embry, etc…81 min, USA, 1988

Akira

mv5bntk0mje2ndc1nl5bml5banbnxkftztgwodm3ntu3mze-_v1_uy268_cr30182268_al_

Three starsTwo stars

Roadside Billy pulled up to the grocery store.  “Hell yes, Syphillis!” he thought.  He was there to buy parsley & half & half.  This is a good anime.  Really good animation.  Nice gross stuff.  Real fluid motorcycle chases and ballooning flesh monsters.  A++

D,W & A by: Katsuhiro Ôtomo, More W: Izô Hashimoto, More A: Toshiharu Mizutani, Toyoaki Emura, Atsuko Fukushima, Yasihiro Seo, Tatsuyuki Tanaka, etc…, P by: Katsuji Misawa, M by: Shôji Yamashiro, E by: Takeshi Seyama, w/Mitsuo Iwata, Nozomu Sasaki, Mami Koyama, Tesshô Genda, Hiroshi Ôtake, Masaaki Ôkura, Kôichi Kitamura, Michihiro Ikemizu, etc…124 min, Japan, 1988

We Are Still Here

mv5bmjqwmzgzmjczov5bml5banbnxkftztgwndk2mtuxnte-_v1_ux182_cr00182268_al_

One star

Gore besmirched Dad and the half-forgotten smile; gazes love into the earthen cellar.  The grave of the son, the cave of the smoke monster.  Whiskey sodden eddies of snow.  Alcohol flirts with marijuana.  A dude eats some socks.  A staircase eats a dude.

D & W by: Ted Geoghegan, P by: Karim Hussain, E by: Aaron Crozier & Josh Ethier, M by: Wojciech Golczewski, w/Barbara Crampton, Monte Markham, Lisa Marie, Larry Fessenden, Andrew Sensenig, Susan Gibney, Kelsea Dakota, Elissa Dowling, 84 min, USA, 2015

The Interview

MV5BMTQzMTcwMzgyMV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTgwMzAyMzQ2MzE@._V1_UX182_CR0,0,182,268_AL_

One star

This is the movie North Korea didn’t want you to see.  Eminem plays himself.  There’s some gore humor.  I feel like Trump supporters might really like it.  It’s mean, dumb, disparaging, racist, and nationalistic.  I felt bad for the tiger fictionally killed to service the Seth Rogen-sticks-a-thing-up-his-ass gag.  I still have a soft spot for James Franco though.

D & W by: Evan Goldberg & Seth Rogen, More W: Dan Sterling, P by: Brandon Trost, M by: Henry Jackman, E by: Zene Baker & Evan Henke, w/James Franco, Randall Park, Seth Rogen, Diana Bang, Lizzy Caplan, James Yi, Marshall Mathers, Bill Maher, 112 min, USA, 2014

Deadpool

1a706e0021180f77cf766c219319045f

Two stars

 This is the movie the fan’s demanded Marvel make.  I like that the line is blurred between actor Ryan Reynolds and character Wade Wilson.  Other things I liked: the dated USSR giant metal X-man guy, the animation sequence featuring unicorns.  The plot is pretty boring and the jokes are kinda bad, not Robot Chicken bad, but close.  For those logging this kind of thing, Ryan Reynold’s dick makes an appearance.  He’s impaled on twisted rebar in a burning medical lab in the film’s big serious origin moment and boom, there it is, shrouded and murky behind smoke and flame, Reynold cock.  I dunno, it might just be CGI. 

D by: Tim Miller, W by: Rhett Reese & Paul Wernick, P by: Keng Seng, E by: Julian Clarke, A by: Delano Athias, Pyrokinesis, etc.., S by: Kayla Adams, Fraser Aitcheson, etc…, M by: Junkie XL, w/Ryan Reynolds, Morena Baccarin, Leslie Uggams, T.J. Miller, Brianna Hildebrand, Karan Soni, Stefan Kapicic, Stan Lee, etc…, 108 min, USA, 2016

 

RoboCop

515m2F1N2yL._AC_UL320_SR208,320_

Four stars

RoboJesus shoots rapists in the dick, battles irradiated mutant gangsters and giant robots in post apocalyptic Detroit.  There’s some pretty prescient satire of media and capitalism in here.  It kind of feels like the smartest Troma movie ever made.  I miss practical FX.

D by: Paul Verhoeven, W by: Edward Neumeier & Michael Miner, P by: Jost Vacano & Sol Negrin, FX: Craig Davies, Phil Tippett, Lawrence A. Aeschlimann, Dennis Pawlik, Bill Purcell, Don Baker, Randy Dutra, Rob Bottin, Erica Edell Phillips, etc…, S by: Jamie Bunch, Vickie Creach, Randy Fife, etc…, E by: Jim Rodnunsky, Danny Retz, etc…, M by: Basil Poledouris, w/Peter Weller, Nancy Allen, Ronny Cox, Kurtwood Smith, Miguel Ferrer, Robert DoQui, Paul McCrane, Ray Wise, etc…, 102 min, USA, 1987

Mermaid’s Scar

MV5BMjAxODg5MzA4MF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTYwNzc3NDI5._V1_SX214_AL_

Three stars

Immortal frog flesh!  The blood of Mothers!  A strange woman on a hill, her nocturnal mysteries.  The day laborers have come by train to our seaside hamlet.  They swill our coffee and stand stoic with secrets but they work hard enough and soon we’ll have enough trenches for everyone’s peace.  That is, until the twisted carnage.  Always these mermaids and their twisted carnage.

D by: Morio Asaka, W & A by: Rumiko Takahashi, More W: Tatsuhiko Urahata, More A: Kumiko Takahashi, M by: Norihiro Tsuru, w/Jason Gray-Stanford, Lalainia Lindbjerg, Chris Turner, Janyse Jaud, Kathleen Barr, Terry Klassen & Teryl Rothery, 50 min, Japan, 1993